TROLL (1986)

TROLL ( * * ) – yet another frustrating horror flick that is alternately wonderful and appalling, almost simultaneously. “Troll” is the first Harry Potter film, coming out way back in 1986, and features young Harry teaming up with a witch to defeat the evil troll, who has assumed the form of young Wendy, and is turning people into plants, trolls and elves. A great cast features a hilarious Michael Moriarty as Harry Potter, Sr., as well as Sonny Bono, who delivers an Oscar-worthy performance as a sleazy swinger. And don’t forget June Lockhardt from “Airplane!” and “Leave it to Beaver” saying cursing words, and Julia Louis-Dreyfus in her first feature film. But despite the great cast, hilarious script, ricockulous special effects and some classic Blue Cheer cranked up loud, as it is supposed to be, there are also a few scenes of untoward wrongness, such as a musical number that is as bewildering as it is excruciating and a dinner sequence with a midget that is disturbingly unnerving. Moments like those, unfortunately ruin this “Gremlins” wanna-be. Oh yeah, and director J.C. Buechler (whose name stands for John Carl, not Jesus Christ nor James Christ, Jesus’s brother who didn’t get as many presents for Christmas cause he didn’t walk on enough water) is currently helming the “Troll” remake. Yikes!!!

EXTREME NOISE TERROR “Law of Retaliation”

EXTREME NOISE TERROR “Law of Retaliation” – (it has been many moons since Extreme Noise Terror last blessed us with their devastating deathgrind masterpiece “Being and Nothing”, and since that one and the prior disc “Damage 381” leaned more on the death metal, I was helluv surprised that “Law of Retaliation” is a throwback to the early 90s crust of their classic EP “Phonophobia”. Outside of the new addition of samples by neurotic people babbling all things nihilistic, this is a return to the classic grind of old, and as much as “Being and Nothing” crushed in a futuristic way, “Law of Retaliation” kills in an old school way. And despite a slew of line-up changes that saw drummer Zac jumping ship for Criminal and Ollie (the growler and occasional drummer for under-rated deathsters Desecration) joining E.N.T. on guitar (!!!), the album is fluid sounding, making you want to drink beer and make the little woman sew patches on your jacket. Took about 20 spins to figure out my favorite tracks, but here they is, you bloody fools – “Believe What I Say”, “Blind Lead the Blind”, “Rat Hell”, “Enslaved in Darkness”, “Nothing No More”, “Revenge”, “Against the Grain” and “Screaming Fucking Mayhem”. Hope it doesn’t take these blokes another seven years for the next album to drop, but this album RULES, so get now!!!


P.S. Phil Vane (R.I.P.)…)

IRON MAN “The Passage”

IRON MAN “The Passage” – (The second cd from the criminally under-rated doom gods Iron Man originally came out in 1994 and was the first to feature Dan Michalak on the mic. His voice is classic 80s metal and fits perfectly with guitar god Al Morris III’s monster riffs. Seriously, Al Morris III is one of the best guitarists of ALL TIME!!! Recognize!!! Plenty of classic tracks on here, like “The Fury”, “Harvest of Earth”, “Freedom Fighters”, “Waiting for Tomorrow” and “Unjust Reform”, the latter of which features one of the sickest riffs in the history of metal, up there with the best of Black Sabbath, Uriah Heep and Pentagram. The coolest thing about this reissue, though, is the bonus DVD, which features live footage from a Virginia show in 1999, which was the only gig to feature Ginger on the bass. The band storms through a set of divine-inspired godly classic doom, which includes “On the Mountain”, “Boston Strangler”, “Generation Void”, “Forever Yours”, “Harvest of Earth”, and “King of Kings” before closing out with the heaviest song ever - “Unjust Reform”. The sound quality is the perfect mix of raw, 70s style fuzz and classic metal, think Dio singing on the Black Sabbath magnum opus “Master of Reality”. Plus, the “Black Night” material sounds so much more powerful with Dan Michalak belting them out. Also included on the DVD is live footage from Maryland in 1999 of Iron Man covering them some Black Sabbath. This recording is much more raw and noisy, but you can still make out what is going on. You will see the original line-up (which includes Internal Void drummer Ronnie Kalimon) nail “Lord of this World” and “Killing Yourself to Live”. Heck, Black Sabbath should consider getting Rob Levey as the new vocalist, as he sounds more like Ozzy than Ozzy does. The disc closes up with two more tracks from the same show with Al Morris III joined by Joe Hasselvander from Pentagram, Raven, Hounds of Hasselvander and Blue Cheer on the drums, along with a different bassist and some chick from Fishbone and P-Funk on vocals (?!?!?) who doesn’t know the lyrics to “Paranoid” or “Iron Man”?!?!? Well, it still dooms, and her voice am good. Get this now and hail Iron Man, true gods of doom!)

DORO “Fear No Evil”

DORO “Fear No Evil” – (it is great to hear Doro (after years of expanding her musical horizons) finally putting out her most straight-up heavy metal record in ages. This is likely Doro’s most solid collection of new material since the Warlock days and her voice is incredible, delivering just the right amount of melody and gruffness. Plenty of strong tracks on “Fear No Evil”, like “The Night of the Warlock”, “I Lay My Head upon My Sword” and the bonus track, the 2007 redux of the Warlock anthem “All We Are”. However, my favorites are the fast numbers like “Running from the Devil” and “Caught in a Battle”, as well as the anthem “Long Lost for Love” and the heavy, atmospheric epic “25 Years”, which is like a cross between the Sisters of Mercy, Paradise Lost, and old Pink Floyd. “25 Years” is also the best SOUNDING song on the album as the music is mixed too low on the other tracks, which is my only bone to pick with this record. Like with the last Body Count album, the vocals sound great but the guitars are way too low, which means we will have to wait to see her live to hear the guitars beefed up proper, as I doubt there will be any remixes. But I must stress that “Fear No Evil” is a GREAT album, but with a couple engineering tricks with knob twiddling in the studio, this could have been a GREATER album.)